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Solutions…
How Do We Fix the Bullying Problem?
Magic Wands Don't Exist in the Real World
by Katy Allen
copyright © 2003 Impact Training, Inc.
Unless your school is Hogwarts, magic wands don't exist. And even
though everyone at Hogwarts has a magic wand, interestingly enough,
they have their bullies, too. And just like the world we live in,
bullies come in “child” versions and “adult”
versions.
Fixing a problem like bullying, relational aggression or the negative
school climate they create, doesn't happen simply or quickly. There
is no fairy dust to sprinkle over students to make these problems
go away. Quick fixes don't exist. There are ways to diminish the
bullying problem, but until a teacher, school or district is ready
in their heads and hearts to do what is necessary, a few “strategies”
offered at a workshop won't change anything. It's like being overweight.
Until an individual is ready to diet and exercise, no amount of
prodding or nagging from outsiders is going to motivate someone.
The desire has to come from within the individual. Additionally,
avoiding a few cookies, or taking a walk once in a while isn't going
to do much good either. These are just random, isolated “strategies,”
that don't accomplish much unless they are part of a larger dieting
initiative.
The remedy for “fixing” bullying is multi-faceted. It
takes hard work, much thought, commitment, strong leadership, energy,
time, and resources. A workshop can't accomplish this kind of task,
no matter how many “strategies” the presenter can share
with the participants.
So what needs to happen if a school really wants to tackle the bullying
problem?
• Get educated. We can't solve a problem unless we name
it. Read about the problem. Talk to your colleagues about it. Create
a common language so that people can speak intelligently to each
other about this issue. Do staff development on the topic of bullying,
violence and relational aggression. Help all staff to understand
what bullying and RA look like and how it contributes to a negative
school climate.
• Get everyone on board. Build support for the belief
that schools need to deal with bullying and relational aggression.
Tap into the empathic nature of those who work with children to
develop attitudes that make this an important issue to address.
Acknowledge that some adults use aggression (sarcasm, screaming
and shouting, threats, withholding of help or support) to express
their frustration with students. Adults have to model the behavior
that we want students to adopt. Adults who struggle with this need
help to change. Adults who don't walk the talk about violence undermine
efforts to create a caring school climate.
• Take a stand. Write a policy that takes a stand against
bullying, harassment and relational aggression. Involve students,
parents, community members, non- teaching staff and educators in
the process. Make sure that it clearly states that no one has the
right to use violence, and bullying (as well as relational aggression)
is a form of violence. Changing our social norms that support the
use of aggression to solve problems or meet needs, has to change.
• Make it part of the code of conduct. Make sure that
the code of conduct includes the behaviors that qualify as bullying,
harassment and relational aggression. Develop consequences that
address violations. Make sure that consequences offer kids chances
to learn behavior. Consequences that seek to do nothing but inflict
pain are inappropriate. Kids need to get the message loudly and
clearly that these behaviors are NOT O.K., and that educators will
help them learn how to make better choices.
• Implement curriculum. Teach students. There really
needs to be two strands to this. One strand will define bullying
for students so that they, like the adults in the school, can identify
it and respond to it, either as a target or as a bystander. The
second strand needs to be a social skills program that teaches the
following skills: empathy, anger management, social problem solving
and conflict resolution. A program that doesn't teach these skills
won't cut it. Posters, pep rallies, certificates and public address
announcements are fine if they support a strong skills-based curriculum.
(If all you do is “talk” about a skill, you haven't taught
the skill. To teach a skill you must model it for students and they
must practice it.) By themselves, posters, pep rallies, certificates
and public address announcements are fluff and don't change behavior.
By the way, social skills training and bullying prevention is character
education.
• Teach mediation and conflict resolution skills to all
children and adults. Try to help all students and adults learn
conflict resolution so that they don't have to depend on a mediator.
Most conflict in schools is not bullying conflict and can be minimized
when people learn conflict resolution techniques. Start with Kindergarteners
and train them in conflict resolution skills. Use peer mediators
to coach students in learning how to resolve non-bullying conflicts.
Use adults to mediate if the situation might be one of bullying
conflict. (But be careful. This can backfire with true bullies.)
• Create a bullying/unacceptable teasing reporting form
for students. Once kids understand what bullying and unacceptable
teasing are, they need a way to tell teachers about it without being
labeled a snitch or a nark. The system needs to be simple, private,
well thought out and consistently administered by staff. Kids can't
fix all problems by themselves and if they have the courage to ask
for help, we have to respond or they lose faith in us.
• Empower the (@) 70% who are courageous bystanders.
Although it is definitely our responsibility as adults to establish
and enforce non-violent behavioral norms, kids can help us; but,
we have to educate them. We need to teach courageous bystanders
how to be supportive of targets of bullying and we need to give
them ways to get help from us that doesn't put them at risk of retaliation.
Teaching kids how to be courageous bystanders should be a part of
the social skills or bullying prevention curriculum.
• Talk to kids often and openly about these problems and
build a classroom community that is caring and accepting. If
we don't talk about problems openly, then we can't solve them. Children
are major players when it comes to knowing a lot about these problems.
We need to be open with them and tap into their knowledge of the
school social climate. Schools that deal successfully with bullying
problems often have classroom meetings with students where problems
can be discussed and solved. Bullying and relational aggression
are upsetting to students and having “family meetings”
to talk about these issues can help promote the caring climate that
is “unfriendly” to aggressive and hostile behaviors.
• Community education and parental support. Teach everyone
about what is going on to improve school climate. Teach parents
the “common language” around aggression and bullying that
everyone in the school uses to discuss the problem. Hold parent
education classes to teach parents the same social skills that their
students are learning.
• Counseling and support for bullies and targets. Students
who use aggression to get what they want and those whom they target
need special help (separate from one another) to develop the skills
that they lack. Bullies need empathy training (after or as a part
of their consequence). Targets often need to learn friendship skills
and assertive refusal skills. Guidance groups are often the best
way to accomplish this.
• More staff development. Provide training to all staff
(non-teaching, included) to learn how to deescalate hostile situations.
Provide training to help staff intervene or consequence students
in dignified and respectful ways that don't make the situation worse.
Provide training so that all staff can learn when to coach and cue
students to use the appropriate social skills that they are learning
in their classes. Promote the need for teachers to really get into
“kids' space.” Most bullying and relational aggression
is “below the radar screen.” Teachers and support staff
need to enter into kids' lives in ways that they tend to avoid.
Staff members need to eavesdrop and really watch kids interact with
each other. We have to be better at knowing when kids are aggressing
against one another. We need to re-program our radar.
• Accept and celebrate diversity. There is no other
way to promote peace. We need to respect each other even when we
might not like each other.
In short…
• do the “head and heart” work so that non-violence
is part of who you are,
• walk the talk,
• teach everyone the skills that make for positive social interactions,
• consequence bullying, harassment and relational aggression
with responses that are not hostile or violent, and
• promote the value of diversity.
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A Word About “Strategies:”
I have found several strategies that I think are helpful. They are
briefly described here:
Frames and Scripts
In their book, Teasing and Harassment, The Frames and Scripts
Approach for Teachers and Parents, John H.
Hoover and Glenn W. Olsen describe a way to help children understand
how teasing can be misused or misunderstood by children (adults,
for that matter, too). The frames component of the method offers
a concrete way for children to see why some teasing feels good and
some teasing feels bad. It also helps a child who teases understand
when and why some teasing is acceptable and some is not. The scripts
component of the approach is a way for adults to help children do
self talk and social problem solving. This is a skill that requires
modeling, practice, and help to transfer it to life outside the
classroom.
Social Skills and Social Problem Solving
All of the social skills that students need to learn are the same
ones that good teachers know and use all the time. They are reflective
of good human interaction and successful communication. They include
the steps to solving social problems (this is really a form of conflict
resolution):
• Being able to identify when I'm angry and choosing
to calm down (by doing self-talk, thinking calming thoughts, counting,
deep breathing) before acting impulsively. (I'm not going to blow
up at this kid who is out of control.)
• Being able to identify and state a problem in neutral
terms. (I'm upset because this child is behaving badly and ruining
my class.)
• Being able to brainstorm solutions to the problem.
(I can scream at the child. Calmly ask the child to come out in
the hall with me. Send the child to the office. Humiliate the child
in front of the whole class. Etc.)
• Figuring out how to carry out the best solution. (Out
in the hall, say, “I can see that you are upset right now.
I'm concerned. Let's take a few deep breaths together and see if
we can get ourselves calmed down. We've got some choices: Would
you like to see the guidance counselor for some time to get relaxed?
Would you like to stand out here for a few minutes and then rejoin
us? Would you like to meet after school to talk about this? What
can you think of to do right now to make it possible for me to get
back to the class? I'm concerned about how we can work things out,
but I have to get back to teaching. Let's see if we can discuss
this at the end of class. I want you to be able to do well in my
class.”)
• Evaluate the chosen solution: Did it work?
• If it didn't, choose another solution and try it.
In addition to social problem solving, learning to be and act empathically
is necessary for creating a school culture that is kind and caring.
Empathy requires that we be able to identify emotions in ourselves
and others, recognize that emotions sometimes change and that different
people can have different feelings about the same thing, and lastly,
be able to respond with care and respect to another's feelings.
Being able to be empathic helps cuts down on conflict, because students
learn to see a situation from someone else's perspective. Empathy
is a skill that can be taught through curriculum efforts. It becomes
the norm when adults constantly model it for children and expect
them to treat each other empathically.
Lastly, we all need to be able to assert ourselves. We need to be
able to say, “I get frustrated (or another emotion) when (describe
the bothersome behavior) I'm trying to help Phil with a problem
and you are not on-task. Can we figure out a way to solve this problem?”
Being able to be assertive is part of constructive problem solving.
It helps diffuse conflict before it escalates.
No Magic
None of these “strategies” or any of the ones taught in
classroom management programs or social skills curricula happens
without intentionality and practice. It's not magic; it's work.
But if we want change, we can't continue to do everything the way
we've always done them. Wisdom tells us that the results will be
the same as the ones we're getting now. So if we want things to
be different, we have to think differently, believe differently,
and act differently… not a quick or easy task, and certainly
not magic.
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